theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize