Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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