I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
