Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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