I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
