I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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