I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
