I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
