yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
