i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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