OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
