whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
