I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
