I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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