so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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