the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
