don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
