soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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