alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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