The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
