I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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