So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
