Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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