Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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