so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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