A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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