he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
