Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
