Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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