I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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