no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize