Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
