thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize