if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
