also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
