hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My ass is underappreciated
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
