I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is Oprah even human
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
