one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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