omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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