apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i love accidental penises.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
