I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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