I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
