I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
