Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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