Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
