Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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