I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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