New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
