Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
