sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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