I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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