why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't deserve a penis
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
