I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
