Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
