The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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