my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
