I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
